Wednesday, December 5, 2012
The Most Insecure Insecure Writer's Support Group Post Ever
Here we are again; another Insecure Writer's Support Group post hosted by Alex J. Cavanaugh. Do join in! You'll be glad you did!
Ok, so I may have over done the title a bit but that is EXACTLY how I'm feeling this morning. It is how I've felt for the past few years. Though I'm in school focusing on writing, I have produced no writing in the past two years that I can honestly say is "up to par" with what I know I'm capable of. I've written papers, I've written discussion posts, I've written nonfiction stories that were more painful that getting another root canal. Yet I still call myself a "writer"; I still confess to going into student loan debt in order to get a degree in "writing".
Here's my insecurity: actually, my insecurities (yes, there is more than one!):
1. I simply cannot find my focus. My blog has faltered and is sputtering with its head just barely above water for lack of focus. It's not that I lack content ideas...it's the focus. I'm an ADD writer...
and, this one may be touching on something a bit more metaphysical than you're used to,
2. I'm afraid of the potential the gift of being a writer suggests, the responsibility, the awesome power of story.
Let me elaborate on that last one a bit. I've been re-reading Madeleine L'Engle's book Walking on Water. It's all about the struggle the artist, the writer has with the gift, the call, of their art. She goes into some pretty deep waters with this book and every time I read it (which is once a year), I walk away with a renewed awe of the writing profession. And a new desire to dive into the untapped waters of story. And a new fear that...
and here's the kicker...
my stories are far more frightening than I initially intended.
I'm not talking about horror frightening (though that's mostly what I write) but that the act of writing, the sheer sitting down and putting pen to paper, words on page, is far more than I can handle! And after I survive THAT, the words that have been set down (no fault of mine of course) are far MORE than I ever intended. Of course, this means I'm responsible for them. And for the repercussions that come from sending them out into the world.
My insecurity? Am I really ready for that?
The blog issue is something I've been battling for years. Since I left a job that chained me to a desk 8+ hours a day, I just haven't seemed to lasso the time to blog consistently. And maybe this issue stems from the other. The content I've considered scares me. It's not all rainbows and butterflies or three steps to getting your novel written. I tend to lean more into the grey areas of life, the "what ifs" and the "I wonders".
I apologize if this post is a downer. That's not my intent. I'm insecure. I'm searching. And I'm beyond tired of learning about the various theories one can read into every novel that is out there (thank you, Lit Theory 300, thank you).
So I ask you: Have you ever really thought about the weighty nature of this calling to write, to create? If so, how do you decide, once and for all, to jump into the storm-tossed seas and see where they take you? And in regards to blogging, how do you really lasso a theme and make it work? Ugh. Told you: the most insecure insecure writer's post yet!
At least for this writer.