Good morning! Welcome to this months' edition of the Insecure Writer's Support Group! We meet monthly to let out our frustrations and insecurities into the world of writers. We also offer support to those who are experiencing more than their usual amount of insecurity and fear. If you're a writer (or if you know one or two) feel free to join us! You can click HERE to learn more about our group, our mission, and our fearless leader, Captain Alex.
Insecurity comes from being moored on unfamiliar shores. Of this I am convinced. When I'm writing, I am free. When I'm not writing, I know I should be. Words are my breath and the expression of my soul. Reading the words of others is breathing and I am caught up in a whirlwind of stories at present, both by others and of my own making.
My insecurity this month comes from a couple of sources. First, a new job has thrust me into an unfamiliar world. The subject is known to me but the manner in which things are carried out on a day to day basis is still, even after almost a month, stressful and hectic. Second, there's that ancient niggling at night that whispers, "What are you doing? Shouldn't you be doing this, that or the other?" You know what I'm talking about. It's that well-meaning interrogation you receive from those who love you, those who knew you Once Upon a Time.
"Well, you SHOULD be ..."
"I don't understand why you stopped..."
"So what are you doing NOW?"
"Back at that old game, huh?"
Now, I know these questions aren't asked to jibe. They are sincere queries with sincere answers and expectations. It's those expectations that grate to bone and soul. What many people don't understand is that some of us have to try different things to find where we belong. Some of us have to do things we'd rather not spend our precious time doing in order to make ends meet, all the while pushing in the evening hours toward those things that bring us joy.
My insecurity this month comes from that inevitable and age-old question, "So, what have you been up to." There's a pressure, Dear Reader, to answer with EVERYTHING: working on a new novel, experimenting with this genre, creating that, fiddling with this. Oh am I guilty of the avalanche of Impressions! Someone fires off the shot and down comes all I've ever attempted.
I'm at the deep breath stage.
I don't want to cavalcade down mountain sides anymore. Not even when those I'm talking to seem to have "made it" while I'm still digging up fragments from a potentially rich archeological site. Peace is calling me to just BE. That, Friends, is hard. People rarely understand a state of BE-ing that doesn't shower with accolades or impress with accomplishments noticed.
Sometimes the victory is in the clean dishes, the folded laundry and the swept floor.
Sometimes the victory can be felt in the clasp of a lovers hand while watching and old Disney movie.
Sometimes it's the sigh before the first word is ever written.
And yes, sometimes, it's those big moments that are publishable and noteworthy.
Right now, I'm living in Ordinary Time. My insecurity? Being OK with BE-ing.